Teaching Kids Respect

I was driving in the car with my mom the other day. I was telling her about an interesting side-effect that I have noticed in my children since I read the headgates article and have been implementing the principles. The children have really increased in the respect that they have towards me.

Now, don't get me wrong, they've never been rude and disrespectful children, but they did have their rude and disrespectful moments. Sometimes they would argue and talk back to me when they didn't like what I asked of them. Occasionally they would cry or throw a little fit if they thought I was being unfair, etc. Of course we talked about the virtues of obedience and respect, so that helped with the behavior, but not so much with the real feeling of respect that I wanted them to have for me and their dad.

I was talking to my mom about how, lately, they do not talk back to me and how they are kind when I ask them to do things even when they don't necessarily want to. I was telling her that I wasn't sure how this all came about. I had some theories - maybe reading the Little House series helped them to catch a vision of what respect for parents was, maybe my giving myself my proper place as a mother and having a greater respect for what that means has been rubbing off on them. I'm sure some of these things have contributed, but then she said something that, I think, really pinpointed the answer.

She told me that when my brothers and I were young, she thought that the mother's job was to cook and clean while the children's job was to play. Because of this, she would often put us in a room to play and she would clean the house without us.

She didn't didn't remind me of this, but as we got older, we had some responsibilities (cleaning our room - which we were not very good at) and some chores on Saturday (which we were not very good at) and she kept doing all of the housework on her own. My mom always prepared home-cooked meals. We never ate out and we never had pre-packaged food. Did we appreciate her work? Not much. Did we show her the proper respect when we were teenagers? I'm embarrassed to say that I did not.

What she did remind me of in the car that day was that as we got older, she would sometimes call us down for dinner and that we would come - complaining. How could we complain when my wonderful mother had just spent an hour in the kitchen preparing a wholesome meal for us? Because she had interrupted our "play". She recalled that sometimes we were actually mad at her for asking us to come down to dinner. She wasn't complaining about this little phenomenon, but she was pointing it out to me because she was telling me that I was doing the right thing by having my children work with me every morning. She mentioned that because of this, they were appreciating me and were able to show me the proper respect as their mother.

Have you ever noticed that kids don't really pay attention to how hard you are working? I had a couple of experiences in which I would ask a child to do something and that child would ask, "How come you don't do it? What are you doing?" or "You make us do all the work", etc. Did they not see that I was in the middle of cleaning right then and that I had been doing it all morning?

 No, they didn't. Children get so preoccupied with what they are doing that they don't even notice their mother running in circles around them trying to feed them, clothe them, and keep their environment looking nice. We think that they must notice since we are often in their same room working all around them, but they don't see it. It's not their fault. They are busy in their own minds and mom is just intermittently interrupting them to have them do something. Mom is so inconsiderate.

How could I expect them to respect me when this is what they genuinely see? Of course, when they would make a comment like the above, I would be sure to point out everything I had done that day, but as everyone knows who has ever tried to get someone to appreciate them by telling them what they do all day- they still don't get it.

Spice making sourdough bread

I have loved reading in the Little House books how the children worked with their parents and how they would feel so privileged when the parents gave them a new responsibility. The children saw this as a sign that they were growing up, that their parents trusted them, that they were responsible - and growing up was a good thing. Nowadays, teenagers are putting off "growing up" for as long as they can. They do not see the beauty and majesty of it.

As you know, I have been trying to teach the kids to work ever since they were old enough to. I wasn't having them do much though. I have really been focusing on it the last six months or so, but the chores where largely individual things to get done. What has made the difference lately is that we all work together until the work is done. I work along side them, they see me work and they help me work. I go into more detail about it here.

Another thing that has been incredibly helpful is making sure that the kids have an area that they are responsible for - a stewardship of some kind. I talk about this here.

We are all learning that work comes before play, that we are a family and we all contribute to the welfare of our family, that we are happy when we serve one another, and that free time and learning are a privilege that we earn (this also helps us respect one another's free time).

Of course, they can't go with their daddy to work and appreciate and respect him in the same way, so I try to remember to remind them throughout their day that we have the privilege to do what we are doing because their father is working so hard. We thank Heavenly Father for him in our prayers, and I'm working on being a good example of appreciating him and giving him time to relax and have his "free time" when he gets home from work. Since the children are starting to understand what "work" means now, these things help them not take him for granted either.

Children can be quite responsible when given the chance.  I've been noticing this lately.  Last Thursday, I told the kids the things that we needed to do that day before our free time.  Among them was vacuuming the floors throughout the house and mopping the kitchen/dining room area.  Bud said, "I'll mop!"  He removed all of the chairs from the dining room (I got the mop ready), he mopped the floors, scrubbed the spots that wouldn't come off with a rag, and then put all of the chairs back - without any help from me.  Spice vacuumed the basement, the living room and the stairs, then then helped get dinner ready (we do this in the morning so it's easy to put together at dinner time).  Little Miss picked up the things in Spice's way.  I oiled some squeaky doors and cleaned the laundry room.  Then we all did a little weeding.  Not too long ago, Spice or Bud would have complained if I asked them to do something as simple as unloading the silverware from the dishwasher if it wasn't on their chore list.

So my point is, if you want children who will respect their elders. If you want chidren who will respect YOU, then make sure that they are working! I'm not just talking about keeping their own rooms clean and doing an occasional chore. I'm talking about real responsibilities that contribute to the welfare of the family. Don't underestimate them. We are still working on this, but they keep surprising me with what they are capable of.

Bud loves making pancakes.  Last week, he asked me

if he could make them.  He got out all of the ingredients,

followed the recipe (I did put the mixer on it's base for him),

and cooked the pancakes ALL BY HIMSELF.  I was

rather impressed.