Marriage Disagreements, Stewardships and the Catch

By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation. -The Family A Proclamation to the World:

A friend said something at book club last week that I have been thinking about ever since.  We were discussing The Communist Manifesto.  She said that the reason that this type of government is so detrimental to people is because it takes away stewardship. She said something to the effect that when stewardship is taken away, then no one is responsible and no one is to blame.

I have been thinking a lot about stewardships in marriage. My friend, Lara, has been sharing some of her insightful ideas with me (you can read some of them here, here, here, here and here - you might agree or they might make you mad, but they are sure to get you thinking), and my friend, Julie, has also been writing some inspiring posts about femininity (here, here and here).

I've read several books about femininity and masculinity (like Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus and The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, and I recently started reading Fascinating Womanhood).   I've come to the conclusion that these things are valuable in shedding light on the concept of stewardship, roles, understanding, and equality. They can also be harmful if used to justify our character weaknesses because of our gender and when used to promote an idea of separate goals in a marriage, or when they lead people to believe that their family responsibilites end with their set stewardship.    However, I must admit that these writing have made a positive impact on our marriage. Why is that? How can we be "one" and "separate" at the same time?

I love that my primary responsibility is the nurturing of our children. To me, this means creating an optimal environment for their growth, giving them love and the tools they need to gain wisdom and understanding, leading them to Christ through my words and example. It is an exiting, character and faith building adventure. I learn so much everyday as I work on staying close to the Spirit (although I'm still not very good at it) to live up to such a task (since it is so beyond me!)

I love that my husband has chosen to protect me from outside forces by providing what we need so that I can focus on this responsibility in the best way that I can. I love that he has the opportunity to grow in character and faith through the priesthood and all of the leadership responsibilities which that it entails, including (and especially) in our family.

It is wonderful that we have different roles - we need each other. We become "one" as our interdependence deepens and we learn to trust one another. I couldn't focus on my responsibilities very well if I was worrying about providing for my children and I know he couldn't focus on his responsibilities if he had to worry about how his children were being nurtured (although, I do think that when circumstances beyond our control do not allow for the ideal then Christ makes of the difference in some way - as He does with all of our shortcomings when we turn to Him).

It's beautiful the way it is set up. There is no hierarchy in a marriage. I love this quote (from here) by President Boyd K. Packer:

In the Church there is a distinct line of authority. We serve where called by those who preside over us.

In the home it is a partnership with husband and wife equally yoked together, sharing in decisions, always working together. While the husband, the father, has responsibility to provide worthy and inspired leadership, his wife is neither behind him nor ahead of him but at his side.

The thing that we have to figure out is what to do when disagreements arise. Of course husbands and wives will have different view points about a lot of things since we come from different backgrounds with different built-in assumptions that we don't even realize we have! This is where understanding stewardships has been helpful to me.

It makes me so sad when I talk to friends who have some wonderful ideas about what they would like to do in their families to nurture their children, but their husbands won't let them (it goes against some of his assumptions) and hold them back, or when a husband is held back by a wife that doesn't trust him to do what is best in providing for his family. Almost every time, the husband or wife who is holding the other back, is doing it with the best of intentions. They want to help. And the one receiving help may even think that they need it - when they, in reality, would thrive if given the chance to try.

I have spent a lot of time trying, failing, learning, succeeding, practicing and working on being a nurturer. My husband has spent a lot of time learning how to best provide, preside, and protect us. It works out so well when we can, after listening to one another's counsel, trust one another in these stewardships, even when we may still disagree. This trust also implies that we let one another fail and trusting that our spouse is inherently capable and good and that they will learn from their mistakes. In fact, stewardship is tossed out the window when we don't allow one another to fail (think Communist Manifesto) and we try to control each other's behavior.

There is a catch to all of this though. It would seem so nice and easy to be able to say, "I see how you feel about this, but this is my stewardship and I will do what I think is best with or without your consent." It doesn't work that way. The reason? We can't take trust. We can only give it.

"We have learned by sad experience that it is the nature and disposition of almost all men, as soon as they get a little authority, as they suppose, they will immediately begin to exercise unrighteous dominion...
No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood..."

and I would add - by virtue of any stewardship

"...only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned..."D&C 121:39,41

So seeking to better understand stewardships has helped me to see where I need to spend my time in order to earn my husband's trust in the things that I have been given primary responsibility for. It has also helped me to understand where I ought to trust my husband and give him room to grow without my interfering. I love this from Boyd K. Packer as well:

No man achieves the supernal exalting status of worthy fatherhood except as a gift from his wife.

I would say that the same holds true for the "supernal exalting status" of motherhood. This trust is something that we both ought to work to give in a marriage, but that we can not fight to take. If we ever hold "stewardship" over one another, if either of us think we have a "right" to a final say - we fail.

I am so thankful for a kind and wise husband who has worked to trust me in the nurturing of our children. In doing so, he has given me the wings to fly and to work to find a way to give our children what is best. I hope I can do the same for him. I am trying. He makes it easy to trust him, but I have to fight with my controlling tendencies sometimes. I am grateful I found such a good and patient man. He has been wise in letting me learn from my many mistakes.

Some more words to ponder:

"We often forget about the other word in the phrase 'help meet' --- help. An understanding of the original Hebrew word gives insight into the meaning of the term and the reciprocal nature of men's and women's God-given stewardships. The first word, translated as 'help,' combines the meanings 'to rescue or save' with the idea of 'strength.' Combined with the second word, 'meet,' or equal, help meet suggests one who has equal capacity to help Adam as he had to help her. It is important to note that nowhere in scripture does the term help mate occur. Help mate wrongly suggests the Lord gave Adam a companion just to help him, quite a different meaning from what scripture and the Proclamation teach.

The stewardship over priesthood given to Adam and his worthy sons and the stewardship over bestowing and nurturing life given to Eve and her daughters both come with strict guidelines for how they are to be used to bless the lives of others. These stewardships do not entail dominations and subordination; rather, they allow for a system of interdependent service and leadership for the purpose of redeeming souls. Stewardship over priesthood allows a father to open some doors to spiritual progression for his family just as stewardship over nurturing life allows a mother to open some doors to spiritual progression for her family." -Strengthening Families