My Resignation

I realized, a couple of weeks ago, that it was time to recommit my self to a goal that I had set a while ago, but had not been keeping up with.

Do the following things that I've heard my kids say to each other sound familiar to anyone?

"Hey!  That's mine!  You can't play with it!"
"You're not supposed to do it that way!  You're not doing it right!"

I would say these are words spoken without thought about the feelings they might evoke on another.

Teaching the kids to be kind to one another can be tricky.  It's one of those things that has to come from their heart.  They will be kind to one another if they have compassion or empathy and love for each other.

I realized a while ago that they were relying on me to make sure they were kind to one another.  For example, Bud might be okay with teasing Little Miss because he knew I would come to her rescue if she cried and that Little Miss would be okay.  Or, Spice might say rude things to Little Miss knowing that I would stop her at some point and comfort Little Miss.  (Yes, I did tend to come to the rescue of Little Miss quite a bit.)  They were assuming that I was the "fairness and kindness" police so they didn't have to worry about being fair and kind themselves - someone else would make sure to step in and take care of it.

It reminds me of my government post about legislating morality.  People stop asking, "Is this moral?" and instead ask, "Is this legal?"  My kids weren't asking, "Am I doing what is right?" They were asking, "What can I get away with?"

I realized that I had already taught them about how to treat each other.  They didn't necessarily need the lecture anymore.  What they needed was the freedom to mess up and learn from their mistakes.  I still plan on teaching them about compassion and charity towards one another, especially now, but I'm not going to step in and solve their problems anymore.

This is so hard!  I can't stand to see one of my little kids being treated in a way that I think is unkind.  I want to rescue them from the situation!  I've made this goal (to stay out of things) for myself before, but I noticed that I was back to stepping into situations.

So, I let the kids know about my resignation as "fairness and kindness police".  I told them that it was now their turn to police themselves on being kind and fair.  I've been trying to teach them to take note of the effect that their words have on the person that they are speaking to.  I still need to remind them, every morning, to make their actions and words consistent with what Jesus would say and do.  I've been trying to play spiritual music to serve as a reminder, and to allow for a feeling of peace.  The hardest part has been getting out of the way and keeping my lips closed when I want to help.

Here are our experiences so far:

At first, one person would yell at someone, then that someone would yell back and then there was a pause.  Normally, I would step in right then, so it was like they were waiting.  When I didn't say anything, they seemed a little embarrassed by their outburst and then started talking in a more normal voice to try to resolve their differences.   They usually just kept talking about how the other person wasn't being fair.  I made a mental note - teach them about the importance of listening to where someone else is coming from and to ask, "please try to listen to what I'm saying" when they feel they are not being heard.

Sometimes one person (usually an older sibling - Bud or Spice) would try to get a younger sibling to do what he/she wanted her to do or to do something a certain way: "That's not how you're supposed to do it!" was often heard.  I felt bad for the younger sibling (Little Miss), but didn't step in.  Later I talked to Little Miss about how to stand up for herself and gave her ideas about what to say when someone is trying to get her to do something she did not want to do.  I told her to say things like, "I want to do this a different way", "Don't force me to do it your way.",  or, "If I'm doing it wrong, then I'll learn from my mistakes."

I also, later, talked the older children about bullying.  I explained to them that bullies were people who forced others to do things those people did not want to do.  I told them that if they were making someone cry they were probably being a bully.  The right way to try to change someone's behavior is "by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned" (DC 121:41)  (It's nice when I have a scripture to back me up ;-)  )

They are not perfect, but they have come a long way in a couple of weeks.  I've seen Spice start to say something unkind, realize what she was doing, and change her words.  I've seen Bud persuading people to do things in a kind and loving manner.  I haven't really noticed Little Miss doing anything different, but she is not crying to me nearly as much.

I guess sometimes they just need a little less of me ;-)