My People-Pleasing Self -The Prince

Sometimes, I tend to be a people-pleaser.  I guess I want people to like me.  I worry when I think someone doesn't like me or when I think that something I said was taken in a way that I didn't mean for it to be taken.  Sometimes I worry that people perceive me in a way I don't want to be perceived.  I especially worry that people misinterpret my intent when I say (or write) something.  Sometimes I worry that maybe they are right - maybe I am pretty lame despite my attempts not to be.

I just finished reading The Prince by Michiavelli.  It's a book about how to get power and about warfare.  One of the things that struck me was the advice to not be virtuous for virtue's sake, but be virtuous in order for people to think you are virtuous.  One way a ruler retains power is for people to think well of him.  Although, Michiavellie claims, it is better to be feared than loved.  Either way, one is working to evoke a certain feeling in others.  There were so many different ideas and rules that a ruler should conform to, in order to retain power - I certainly did not want to be in that ruler's shoes.  I felt that this ruler, which Michiavelli described, would be caged in by the thoughts and actions of those around him.  Not a fun way to live.

It reminded me of when I read about Alexander the Great in Plutarch's Lives.  He so wanted to be liked and well thought of.   He did many great things and conquered many lands.  He was a compassionate person and he felt bad about the hardship he inflicted on others and he tried to make it up to them in ways.  Still, at the end of his life, there were still people, close to him, that did not like him and did not think well of him.  This devestated him.  He worked so hard to be well liked and it wasn't good enough. How trapped he must have felt to have his happiness depend on other people's good opinion.

I don't want to be that way.  I don't want my kids to be that way.  I have one child in particular who really likes to be well-thought-of.  I want him/her to see that people's opinions are very hard to control and we should not base our actions on how people think of us.

What does this mean?  Should I worry about only pleasing myself regardless of how others see me?  I think too many people take this other extreme.  I know I've tried it, and it just brings me sadness.  When I've bought into the "self-actualization" rhetoric - the "worry about making yourself happy - not anyone else" or "don't let others get in the way of doing what you want to do to 'achieve your dreams'" talk - I am miserable.  I get mad at the kids for not letting me spend "my" time the way I would like, or at my husband for not doing things the way I want them to be done.  I find this attitude brings me frustration and anger - never happiness.

Even Michiavelli conceded that after you've done all these things to get power (and made yourself miserable in the process, I might add), chance or fortune are at least 50% responsible for determining whether you get that power or not.  So, in other words, you go through life trying to control people's opinions about you (which you don't have much chance in doing), only to have less than a 50% chance of getting what you are seeking.  Miserable!

So if people are caged in by seeking other people's good opinions, and we're caged in by seeking our own wants - then how do we become free?  By seeking God's good opinion?  How is this not confining as well?

Well, because God knows the motivations, intents and desires of our hearts - even better than we do.  He knows what will truly bring us joy - even better than we do.  He knows our potential - better than we do.  We don't need to worry that God will misinterpret our words or actions.  He knows exactly why we do what we do.  We don't need to worry that He doesn't have our best interest at heart.  He sent His Son to die so that we could have eternal joy.  We are not caged in when we are trying to please God - it is the only way we are free!

We are free to not worry about other people's opinions - we know that God knows our hearts.  We are free to not have to worry about our needs not being met - God has promised us peace in this life and all He has in the next.   We are free to become who we were meant to become.  There is no greater freedom and no greater peace.  How grateful I am to have such freedom!  I hope I can help my children understand this ultimate source of happiness.  I hope I can remember it better myself when those self-doubts start creeping up on me again.

Favorite Quotes from The Prince:

This quote made me think of the importance of teaching the kids to govern themselves and not to make so many rules that I am commanding them in all things:

(He's speaking of the type of people that are easiest to rule or persuade)

"...it is easier to hold them, especially when they have not been accustomed to self-government"

Aspiring to worthy goals:

"A wise man ought always to follow the paths beaten by great men, and to imitate those who have been supreme, so that if his ability does not equal theirs, at least it will savour of it.  Let him act like the clever archers who, designing to hit the mark which yet appears too far distant, and knowing the limits which the strength of their bow attains, take aim much higher than the mark, not to reach by their strength or arrow to so great a height, but to be able with the aid of so high an aim to hit the mark they wish to reach."