Teaching Obedience

(a hike with my sister in law last weekend - nothing to do

with this post, but it was pretty)

The other day, I found Bazinks outside.  He hadn't asked me if he could go out.  I told him that his consequence was that he needed to stay inside for the rest of the day.  A few hours later, I found him outside again.  I told him that his consequence was that he would have to remain inside for the rest of the day and for the following day.  A couple of hours later, I found him outside again! This time I told him that he didn't only need to stay inside, but that he would have to stay right where I could see him for the next two days.

Something very interesting happened.

I've been thinking about the importance of learning obedience.  In the movie, Celestial Education, Michelle Stone mentions some "stages" that children go through.  She reminds us that children do not receive the gift of the Holy Ghost until they are 8, and that before that age they are not able to be tempted by Satan (even though they can be influenced by evil if they are exposed to it).  She expresses that during this time, children learn to listen to their parents.  She says that their mother almost acts as the Holy Ghost for them - influencing them, guiding them, comforting them, teaching them, whispering to them.  At this stage the child needs to learn to heed and obey his parents.  Once the child gets the gift of the Holy Ghost, they continue to obey their parents, but they start looking for extra ways to help without being asked - they start listening to the promptings of the Holy Ghost - and obeying them.

Spice with the new addition to our family (yes, we got a dog)

I haven't placed as much emphasis on obedience as I should have.  I liked to encourage creative thinking and discussion, so when my children had a good argument about why I shouldn't ask them to do something - I was willing to listen and change my mind if their opinion made sense. There were also times when I did not want discussion.  This is when I would count.  My kids have become quite adept at listening to numbers.  I guess saying, "One, Two..." became a signal that the discussion was over and they needed to obey.  I've been pretty good about being consistent at giving them a consequence when I reached "three", but even this was up for discussion sometimes - do you get a consequence if you didn't do what I asked when I got to "three" or is it okay as long as you started started to go do it by the time I got to "three" etc.  There have even been times when I count to "10" because they weren't moving fast enough and I didn't want to do a consequence right then, or maybe I'd count really slowly, etc.

Anyway, this system has worked okay.  I don't feel out of control because I can usually count on the kids to obey when it matters (no pun intended), but it has had some drawbacks.  Now that I have five children, I don't have time to discuss everything I say - I just want it to get done when I say it.  Also, it has fostered an environment where the kids feel like they can question my authority if they think they are right.  Questioning parental authority is not okay.  When I saw that Bazinks had disobeyed me three times in a row, I realized that he was starting to not take me very seriously.

In the Celestial Education video, Michelle pleads with parents to keep their young children close - they do not have the guidance and protection of the Holy Ghost, and we as their parents need to be sure to be there for them - teaching and guiding them in those critical years.  So instead of just putting Bazinks in time-out when he went outside without asking (and then disobeyed me twice), as I would normally have done, I decided to keep him near me for a while as well.

I had assumed that little Bazinks had a bit of a rebellious personality.  He tends to resist helping me when I ask.  He ignores my requests sometimes and acts as if he doesn't hear me.  When I told him that he would have to stay where I could see him for a while, he didn't seem very upset.   Then he started wanting to help me with things.  He smiled an hugged me more.   I'm beginning to see (as embarrassing as it is to admit) that it wasn't his personalty that was the problem - I was.  Since he has 3 older siblings, I had been okay with letting him go wherever they were (even outside to play with friends) because they kept him happy.  It is harder keeping him with me because he wants me to pretend things with him and my thoughts get constantly interrupted, but I also love it because he likes "being my little buddy" and helping me and he tells me all sorts of things about what is going on in his mind.  Little children are full of wisdom if we stop to think about why they say what they say. 

So I have decided to focus on obedience for a while.  My older kids should have this down, but as I mentioned, they will disagree with me sometimes.  I like Nicholeen Peck's method of allowing this.  The children can ask once, "May I disagree appropriately?" and if you allow it, they give their point of view.  After this, they are expected to obey whatever the parent decides after hearing their opinion.  In our house it looks more like this:

"Bud, come pick up your shoes."

"I'm just going to finish this first."

"You need to be obedient, but you can ask me if that is alright."

"Can I please finish this first?"

"Yes, you may."

Hopefully we can get this down to a habit so I don't have to constantly remind.

I remember Nicholeen saying that you need to train your children to obey the first time you say something.  Otherwise, you're teaching them that the third or fourth time is when they need to listen (or when you count).  She starts her comments with, "I'm going to give you an instruction." so that her kids know it's time to listen.  I haven't been able to remember to be quite so formal, but I'm working on making sure they let me know they are listening to me.  I'll ask them to say, "Yes mom" or "okay" (also one of Nicholeen's ideas) so I know that they heard me.  The thing I have the hardest time with is remembering to have them report back when they are done.  I think that is going to have to be something I focus on.

It is crucial for children to learn to be obedient to their parents!  I hadn't realized the extreme importance until recently.  I'll explain what I mean later.