What About Socialization?

This post is part of my thoughts on educating the kids

(The pictures are from a field trip to the railroad museum with our Little House group last week.)

One of the first questions people have for me when they hear that I am homeschooling is, "What about socialization?"  I must admit, that was one of my (and Rock's) biggest concerns when I first started thinking about homeschooling.  Our assumption was that if you send a child to school, they will learn - through trial and error - the appropriate ways to act in social situations.  So if they act in a way that is socially unacceptable, their peers will let them know it through their negative responses; and if they act in socially acceptable ways, their peers will let them know it through positive responses.

This seems to make sense, but I began to wonder - what about all those socially inept people that I knew in high school?  Not just the kids that didn't know how to make friends, but also those who made friends by being mean to other people?  Neither of these behaviors are "good" socialization, but we had all been going to school for 10+ years.  Shouldn't we all have picked it up by then?

I took a class on "Childhood Socialization" in college.  I remember thinking, "These socialization skills are pretty important to have and pretty important to teach."  The instructor would give different scenarios of a child interacting with a group in incorrect ways and how to teach that child to do it in appropriate ways.  The importance of role-playing with a child was stressed so that they could learn appropriate skills in a safe environment.

The class was mostly full of teachers-in-training.  I wonder how many of those teachers use the socialization teaching skills they learned in that class.  There is just no time for it!  I doubt there are too many teachers who have time to watch all of the children during recess, look for socially inept behaviors,  then take those children aside and role-play with them.

I came to the conclusion that trial-and-error learning in a school environment probably isn't the best way for a person to learn social skills.  For one, it's not very safe.  A child who goes out of his comfort zone, and is rejected, will probably not venture out of their comfort zone again for a while.  The progress is very slow.  Also, children often don't realize that it is their behavior that is being rejected.  They start to think that there is something wrong with them instead of changing their behavior.  Another reason is that their peers may not be exhibiting socially appropriate behavior or reacting in a socially appropriate manner.  Instead of learning good social skills, kids end up learning the wrong way to behave in social situations.

In my opinion, there are really two things a person needs in order to have good social skills - empathy and experience in the manners of their society.

Empathy
If you really think about it, a person who is able to see things through another's perspective and empathize with how other people feel will probably not do things that other people would find innapropriate or embarrassing.  They will also be able to gauge by other people's expressions how other people are reacting to what they say so they can say appropriate things at the appropriate times.  Not to mention, empathetic people are kind and loving, so people want to be around them.

How does one learn empathy?  I think the best place is in the home.  Learning to get along with your family members when you see them constantly, is much harder then getting along with friends that you don't see on a regular basis.  See this post for an example.   Learning to love and see others as Christ sees them, and to not judge them, is best practiced in a place where you can be reminded of it often, and also be forgiven when you make mistakes.  Another great way to practice empathy is playing make-believe - using our imaginations to experience things through another's perspective!  Also, reading good books helps us see things through a variety of perspectives.

Experience in Social Customs and Manners
I do think opportunities for children to interact with people outside their immediate family are important.  They need to practice being empathetic with a variety of personalities.  They also need to see and experience appropriate behaviors in a social setting outside their family.  They need to step out of their comfort zone once in a while and make some friends.  The questions then become - when and how often?

When?

When they are ready.  When they feel safe in who they are.


Spice, my 10 year old, used to be very, very shy.  She did not talk to anyone outside our immediate family until she was about 5 years old.  Forcing her to be social, only made her retreat further into her shell and fear social situations even more.

She is still reserved in social situations, but she is not insecure.  If she has something to say, she will say it.  She gets up in front of hundreds of people at church to share her testimony without any promptings from us.  This inner confidence she now radiates did not come from learning to climb the social ladder at school.  It came because she has an understanding of who she is.  She does not need other's approval to feel good about herself.  She is more willing to venture out now that she feels safe.  I'm not saying that she would not be very, very sad if people treated her rudely.  This has happened, but she feels more sad for the person, after she has some time to think about it, then she does for herself.  This does not happen very often though, because Spice is very kind.  People like to be her friend.

How often?

No child needs 8 hours a day, but some may be okay with a few hours a week, while others may need more practice if they are struggling in a particular area.   Parents know their kids.  It's especially good if parents take time once in a while to observe their kids interacting with other kids, then later coach them, if they saw something the child could have done better.  This is a thousand times faster than learning through trial-and-error!

Kids also need more social time and practice as they get older.  That's one thing I love about homeschooling.  I can tailor how much social time is needed for my children and gradually increase it as they get older.

Right now, we go to a "Little House" group twice a month (we're all reading the Little House series together - we discuss the readings and do activities around them once a month and go on a field trip once a month).  Spice is also involved in a book group for girls her age.  The girls read a classic and then get together once a month to  discuss it, have an activity about it and play.  Spice is also in "Activity Girls" at church so they get together for activities twice a month.  Bud will be starting scouts next month.  When the weather was warm, we went to a park day once a week.  They play with the neighborhood kids about twice a week.  We also attend several homeschooling events when we hear of them.  We switch babysitting with a family once a week - so they look forward to playing with those kids.  I might be starting another weekly thing next week.  I'm still trying to decide if it's something that we want to participate in.

I do think the socialization thing is important.  It's another reason why I homeschool!

More pictures:

Getting weighed on the cargo scale:

Learning about guns:

Bazinks posing with his favorite gun:

He kept saying, "Mom, I want a real gun"

He must take after his Papu (grandpa)

Ray was too busy exploring the stroller to care much about the museum: