Following Directions

This post is part of my thoughts on how to teach the kids to work .

Sometimes there are miscellaneous things that pop up that I would like the kids to help me with. I don't like to assign them every single thing because this robs them of the joy of helping out with things that are not their assignments. Also, I want them to learn to look for things that need to be done without me having to tell them all the time (we're working on this. For example, I'll say - "Go look on the stairs to see if anything needs to be done before people use them, etc. I also try to remember to praise them when I catch them picking something up when they weren't asked to do so).

They're still little though, and I don't expect them to see everything that needs to be done. Most of the time I just have to ask for their help.

Usually they respond well to a sincere plea for help, and they get the most joy out of helping in this way. Sometimes I'll even let them say "no" and then I ask someone else just so that they can experience the bad feeling that comes when you don't help someone in need.

However, sometimes I expect them to be obedient when I really need something done and saying "no" just isn't an option.

Here's how I would handle a typical resistant scenario:
Me: "Spice, would you please put the things on the coffee table away?"
Child: "But I didn't get them out!"
Me: (remind) "I know, but we're a family and we help each other out remember"
Child: "But it's not fair"
Me: (warn) Please don't make me ask you twice (they know there is a consequence if I have to ask them something twice- they almost always obey by this point).
Child: "Why do I have to do it?
Me: (give consequence): "Please just pick them up, and since I've had to ask you twice I'm going to have to have you practice working by picking up 10 more things after you put away the things on the coffee table."
( I like to use the 10 item pick up as my "go-to" consequence in general - time-outs were too time consuming for me - although I still use them on Basinks - having him pick up 10 items is too time consuming for me!)

If they still refuse to help, Nicholeen Peck would say they are "out of instructional control".

Bill and I went to a parenting seminar by Nicholeen Peck last summer. She is really great. I've read a lot of books about parenting (for my degree and because I am a parent) and Nicholeen's ways are the most helpful that I've seen. I like that she takes a complete approach to discipline (looks at the larger vision, treats the kids with respect and love and allows them to have a say, but has high expectations). I highly recommend her seminar or her DVDs to anyone who is having trouble with disobedient kids.

For "out of instructional control" behavior, Nicholeen recommends that you give them 3 opportunities to get themselves back in control. For example (I'm paraphrasing):

"Jane, it seems like you might be out of instructional control." (Usually this is enough to get a child to obey if they've experienced what happens next)
.
"I'm going to give you an instruction. If you don't follow the instruction, you will earn (a consequence) (she suggests an hour of "major maintenance" which is an hour of hard labor like cleaning out the garage or wiping all the baseboards, etc.). Then I will give you another instruction. If you don't follow that instruction you will earn (a second consequence). Then I will give you a final instruction. If you don't follow that instruction you will earn (a third consequence - for this final one she suggests 24 hours of no "privileges". Privileges are anything that is not a necessary thing to have like 3 meals, a bed and shelter, and clothing. Anything else is taken away for 24 hours - snacks, electronics, toys, etc. The 24 hours starts after the child is ready to follow the original instruction - until then, you keep our of their way until they calm down.

Then you give them the first instruction (your original request or taking 3 deep breaths etc.) and you follow through with the rest.

I could go into more detail, but that's the basic picture.

Two of my kids earned a "major maintenance" once and one made it to the 24 hours without privileges. After following through with those consequences- all that it takes now is for me to say "It seems like you might be out of instructional control"- and they shape up pretty quickly.

What other ideas have worked for some of you in helping your kids follow directions?