What do I do now?

I've been reading an excellent book called Increase in Learning by Elder David Bednar.  It's incredibly insightful, it's one of those books that I want to recommend to everyone I know.  If you want a glimpse into what he has to say, I highly recommend this article:

Understanding is the Well-Spring of Life

Anyway, one of the points he made in his book (and in the article) is that we are not admonished to "teach our children", we are admonished to "teach our children to understand", then the Holy Ghost can be the teacher (who does a much better job than we do):

"I believe, brothers and sisters, that these verses in section 68 are a powerful admonition for parents to create a home wherein the Spirit of the Lord can reside. Within a Christ-centered home, love, trust, and confidence invite the presence of the Holy Ghost. In such a home the Holy Ghost can teach children to understand. Ultimately, it is not parents who do the teaching. Certainly, parents must diligently and effectively explain basic gospel doctrines, teach true principles, and share sacred experiences. But who truly does the teaching and certifies the truthfulness of what we come to know? The Holy Ghost, the third member of the Godhead. He is the Comforter who knows all things. He is thereby able to search the minds and hearts of all of us and then tailor a blessing to us, according to our individual needs and circumstances. And it is teaching and certifying by the Spirit that produces understanding. Parents in Zion have the responsibility to establish and maintain that type of Christ-centered and spirit-filled home."

So my job is to create a home where the Spirit can teach.  I've been thinking about this in regards to how I discipline my children.  We all have certain rules in our homes and certain systems to make sure that that those rules are followed.  For example, one of my "systems" is to put two children in time-out if they are being contentious with one another and then have them try again.  It works well for the most part because it teaches them that it takes two people to create contention in the home, but what if one child has changed his heart and is trying to be good but is still in time-out because their sibling does not want to forgive?  It may be good to let them both stay in there to teach the changed one that there are consequences to our actions even when we have repented.  Maybe it would be better to take the unforgiving one aside quietly and ask him some introspective questions to help him find his motive? There are other possibilities as well...

Another example is the "10 item pick up".  I use this as a tool to get children to do their jobs well and avoid having to practice cleaning even more.  If they don't do a job well, they get to practice cleaning by cleaning more.  What if a child is struggling with emotional issues that day and giving them more work will just add to their load?  What if they really just need to feel loved and heard for a while instead of disciplined? But what if they actually need the discipline to learn that it is important to contribute and work regardless of our personal emotional state?  It can be hard to discern...

Here is what I've realized lately - the question I should ask myself when facing these situations with my children is not "What does this child need to learn?" or "What lesson should I teach right now?"  It's not "Who is right?" or "How can I stop this behavior" or "What consequence will teach the right behavior?"  The real question to ask at those times ought to be, "How can I invite the Holy Ghost?"

As I've tried this, I have found that sometimes the answer is to give a gentle answer to a stubborn demand, sometimes it's to ask a child to go to a quiet place until they feel more peaceful and ready to deal with others (not phrasing it as a consequence, but as a need that they have). Sometimes the answer's been to turn on some peaceful music, or to ask a child a question to help them figure out their motives.  The answer has even been to give the belligerent child a hug (isn't that an interesting "consequence" for bad behavior?)  As my motive has become to let the Holy Ghost do the teaching, I have found more answers to those perplexing moments.

Of course that means that I need to be in tune myself and therein lies the challenge ;-)

Kindness (a look at our devotional)

I studied the word "kindness" today so we'll be talking about that during devotional.  I'll have the kids look up a couple of scriptures and the definition and then tell me in their own words what those teach them about kindness.  I'll have them read a couple of quotes from a talk or two, we'll look at a picture or video that represents the word and then I'll ask them to give me their definition of kindness.  Afterwards, I'll tell them mine.

That is how I've been doing our devotionals lately.  I've been learning so much and I think the kids have too.  It helps to do my scripture study in the morning knowing that I'll be teaching about it later.  Then I learn so much as I teach and let the children teach me.  I've really enjoyed it.

Here is our lesson on kindness today:
Children will look up:
-Kindness in the 1828 dictionary
-Jude 11:22 (One reason for kindness)
-John 13:35

Talk I'm having them read quotes from:
The Virtue of Kindness
Quotes:

"Kindness is the essence of greatness and the fundamental characteristic of the noblest men and women I have known.  It softens hearts and molds relationships that can last lifetimes. Kind words not only lift our spirits in the moment they are given, but they can linger with us over the years."

"Kindness is the essence of a celestial life. Kindness is how a Christlike person treats others. Kindness should permeate all of our words and actions at work, at school, at church, and especially in our homes."

"The things you say, the tone of your voice, the anger or calm of your words—these things are noticed by your children and by others. They see and learn both the kind and the unkind things we say or do. Nothing exposes our true selves more than how we treat one another in the home."

"One way you can measure your value in the kingdom of God is to ask, “How well am I doing in helping others reach their potential? Do I support others in the Church, or do I criticize them?”

If you are criticizing others, you are weakening the Church. If you are building others, you are building the kingdom of God. As Heavenly Father is kind, we also should be kind to others."

“But,” you ask, “what if people are rude?”

Love them.

“If they are obnoxious?”

Love them.

“But what if they offend? Surely I must do something then?”

Love them.

“Wayward?”

The answer is the same. Be kind. Love them.

Why? In the scriptures Jude taught, “And of some have compassion, making a difference.”

Video

My definition of kindness: The outward expression of the charity in our hearts

High Expectations with Unfeigned Love

I ran across this great article today:
What do the scriptures and latter-day prophets teach about disciplining our children?
He mentions high and firm expectations along with unfeigned love.

If our hearts are not right toward our children, we may find ourselves exercising firmness without love or trying to be loving without being firm. For example, our “loving” firmness may become punitive and cruel rather than helpful. As a result, we may convey to our children a message of low expectations: “You won’t do the right thing unless I get after you all the time.” In this case we are giving our children harshness, not firmness.

Similarly, if we are overly permissive, our “loving” indulgence may also convey an unloving message: “If I don’t pamper you, you won’t do what’s right on your own.” What we end up giving our children in this case is indulgence, not love"

I found it interesting that constantly getting after our children for not living up to our high expectations is a form of showing low expectations - we don't believe they will live up to our expectations without our constant reminders.  It reminded me of a previous post I wrote about Keri Tibbet's parenting article.  It seems we should teach often, then give consequences when appropriate.

When I notice a wrong behavior, I need to ask myself, "What doctrine does my child not understand that he would act this way?" (See Elder Bednar's Increase in Learning).  Then I need to teach that doctrine often - not after they have misbehaved, but throughout the day.  Then when they get a consequence for a misbehavior, they will understand.


I'll give it more of an effort today.

Parenting Advice

Someone asked me a parenting question the other day and I told her some of the "methods" I use and recommended some parenting books.  As I drove home after that discussion, I realized I didn't really tell her really what I have learned, so I wrote her an e-mail.  I'm going to paste it here for anyone else that might be struggling with a parenting question:

"...as I got thinking about it on the way home though, I realized that I didn't say what has really been opening my eyes lately about how to parent.  I think the resources I mentioned are good [teachingselfgovernment.org and the headgates parenting article] and they might give you some ideas, but if you really want to know the thing that I have found to be most helpful, I would say studying leadership - especially in the scriptures.  As I have done this, my mind has been receptive to the Holy Ghost to guide me and teach me how to teach His children in a very personalized manner.  Ideas will flow into my mind about how to handle specific situations and I've received personalized plans for my particular children. 

Here's an example of what I've been studying lately-

I've been working on teaching the children "charity" so I study talks and scriptures about it, write insights in my journal and then teach them something I've learned during our morning devotional. 

Anyway, I learned that the only way to lead effectively and righteously is with charity.  I was lead to the scripture in D&C 121 about how "no power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood (authority) only by persuasion, long-suffering..." etc.  I wanted to be this kind of leader in my home (leader as in leading souls to Christ) so I began to study each of the words. 

I started with persuasion.  I looked it up in my handy 1828 dictionary, looked up some of the scriptures about it in the topical guide, read some talks about it. I learned about reasoning and inclining people's minds without force.  We talked discussed it as a family.  The kids better learned how to lead each other to Christ by persuasion and I learned from their comments and insights.  Through the process I gained so many personalized insights about how to parent my particular children at this time in their lives.  The Holy Ghost gave me customized ideas.

Next I studied "long-suffering" and THAT was amazing, the truth that poured out from Heaven as I asked and searched for it was incredible.  Heavenly Father really does want to help us if we are willing to seek Him and His word. 

Anyway, that is what I am finding the MOST helpful as I try to parent.  Truth flows into my mind and sometimes things that I would have never thought of come to my mind at certain moments based on some truth I've learned and I know what to do right when I need it. 

I just wanted to make sure I gave you the best advice I knew instead of the more superficial 'method' type stuff I mentioned last night. "

That is what I wrote to my friend, but I'd imagine that the same thing would happen regardless of what you chose to study in the scriptures.  It doesn't necessarily have to be "leadership" although it's a good one.  The scriptures are so full of truth that they open your mind to more truth.  I think if we pick any attribute that we want to develop, we will be led to more and our eyes will be opened.  I guess what I'm basically saying is that the scriptures really are the best parenting manual that there is - not just because of the words or principles in them, but because of the truth that is in them.  They connect us to the source of all truth.  I love my scriptures more and more each day.

I've been thinking about writing on this blog short little excerpts of insights I have gained.  I don't know because my insights will probably not mean much to those who haven't taken the time to study something of what I am talking about, but I know many who read this blog are studying and learning about these things often and I do find that as I share insights I understand them better.  I also gain a lot from comments people make about what they have learned about a particular principle. 

So maybe I'll give it a shot.  It won't by any means be a complete list of insights I've gained in my studying - I don't have time for that, but probably just short "a-has" that help me.   We'll see how it goes.

Sorrounding our Little Ones with the Spirit

"We cannot and we must not allow the school, community, television, or even Church organizations to establish our children’s values. The Lord has placed this duty with mothers and fathers. It is one from which we cannot escape and one that cannot be delegated. Others may help, but parents remain accountable. Therefore, we must guard the sanctity of our homes because that is where children develop their values, attitudes, and habits for everyday living." -M. Russell Ballard

I keep getting the thought that I need to share what I've been learning about motherhood lately.  It's what I was going to share in my last post, but my thoughts took me elsewhere.  I don't have a lot of time this morning so hopefully I can share my thoughts accurately.

I have a two year old.  He is so funny to watch.  His face expressions are so telling.  My friend pointed out that her child that was a late talker was the same way - they use their face a lot to express themselves since their words are not working well yet.  Anyway, I have noticed that he mirrors everything that is going on around him.  He watches for the mood of the people around him and then reflects it.  If someone is frustrated, he acts frustrated too.  If someone is happy, he is filled with joy.  If someone is sad, he feels it right along side them.  He absolutely absorbs everything in his environment.

It has really been impressed upon my mind how very much like sponges our little ones are.  Particularly those under the age of 8.  After the age of 8 they seem to have a little more control over what they let into their core, but before that age they just absorb it all.

I've been trying to teach my older children that they too have a responsibility
in the environment of their younger siblings. The little ones absorb their behaviors and moods.

I have been humbled by the great responsibility that is mine in immersing my little sponges in beauty and truth.  What they are surrounded with right now is what they will view as "normal".  It is what will become the standard in how they view the world.  My two year old never thought to hit in anger until he saw someone else exhibit this behavior and suddenly it became his to use.  He never thought to give someone a hug when they were sad until he saw someone else do it and it became his way to help.

We, as mothers, really are the gateway in which our little children experience the world.  If we expose them to sarcasm, violence, anger, enmity, crudeness, the unrefined, unpure, ungodly - they will absorb it all and they have no choice!  We have the responsibility to make the choice for them.  Do we realize that when we put our children in front of the TV, for example, we are delegating our teaching to that source for a time? Even if we are present - the TV is teaching them how to speak to others, what values are important, what feeling are normal (such as contention, silliness, and fast-paced stimulation, and many other subtle and important messages).  It is up to us to keep them safe from those influences until they have the choice to keep them out of their hearts themselves.  What an incredible responsibility!

It is also our great privilege to surround them with beautiful refined music, art, and media .  It is our privilege to share with them uplifting words and feelings; to keep their lives focused on the real - surrounding them with God's creations and His love.  They feel His Spirit through us.  What an incredible privilege.

I thought about being more specific about some of the prevalent things out there that I see so many children exposed to at such young ages by well meaning mothers, but I won't.  I think we can prayerfully look into our hearts and into our homes and figure those things out for ourselves.  The more I do this, the more I find that I can do a little better and improve my heart and home each day.

Please be careful what you immerse your precious little spirits in.

"Do you want a principle for successful motherhood? Make time to teach your children the gospel and principles of gospel living when they are young. It may be that you too will need to 'renounce the world' and 'devote above twenty years of the prime of life in hopes to save the souls of [your] children.'

No accomplishment transcends the building of the character of a son or a daughter of God." -Ezra Taft Benson

*Great articles about our responsiblity:
The Honored Place of Woman
Teach the Children

Getting Out of the Way

I haven't felt the need to write much on my blog lately.  I suppose many of the things going through  my mind lately have been rather personal and have felt just fine staying my private journal.  I have learned some things lately, though, that I wanted to share.

I commented to a friend a few months ago that I tend to be a better mother when I am under stress - like when the toddler has splattered spaghetti sauce on the ceiling, the 5 year old has spilled the milk all over the floor, the 12 year old is mad at her brother who won't leave the dog alone, and things just seem out of control.  It is at these times that I am better able to just laugh and turn it all over to the Lord.  I can see Him smiling down on me and I reach up and we move on together.

I realized that I needed to do this a lot more often, not just when things are crazy all around me.  I needed to let Him take over and just follow along.  Interesting opportunities for growth have presented themselves to me and I have learned a few things as I've been trying to turn things over more.  I wanted to share some of them on here.

The pictures are from a skit Spice put together for her youth group.
She never presented it, but they had a great time acting it out.

Sometimes I get in the way
At times I think I am wise in my own eyes.  Heavenly Father gives me an idea about how to raise my children, for example, and I take it, make it my own, and then I get in the way.  I might come up with a system on how to implement the idea and then get so wrapped up in the system that I forget to keep seeking the guidance I need every step of the way.  I start to think I am in control instead of my Heavenly Father.

Cleopatra on a boat to see Julius Ceasar

For example, I may realize that I need to rid our home of contention.  I decide that if two children (it takes two) start to bring contention into the home, they both go to time-out (a system).  As I try to implement the system, one of my children starts to argue with me about how it is not fair.  Instead of seeking guidance about how to handle the situation (turning to God), I get caught up in the system and bring contention into the home by the way I demand that the system is followed.  Not that there is anything wrong with teaching children to obey the rules, but the problem comes when the peace in my heart is replaced by pride and the desire shifts from doing the Lord's will to carrying out my own will.

It's a subtle shift, but a perilous one.  I have recently learned that one way to keep myself out of the way is to accept opportunities to serve (seeking to know by the Spirit which opportunities to accept).  This unites our family in a common purpose as we all seek to bless those around us.  I'm not saying that all opportunities have to be "family service projects", but as individual members serve others - we share common goals and help each other draw closer to Heavenly Father.

Cleopatra in a rug being presented to Julius Ceasar :-)

I have recently been given the opportunity to serve in Spice's homeschool youth group.  My friend, who started the youth group and has created an amazing learning environment for my little girl, is moving.  She asked me to take her place.  I made it a matter of much, much prayer because I did not want to get involved in anything that would take my time away from my family.  I was blessed with the peaceful assurance that Heavenly Father approved of my helping build His kingdom in this way and that He would help me with my family.

Some of the youth group on a field trip, it was an amazing experience that I
wrote about elsewhere, but maybe I copy and paste it on this blog for my personal records.

It has been a great learning opportunity for all of us.  I am turning more to the Lord because it's quite impossible for me to do it on my own.  We are working together for a common purpose as a family (the kids all wanted me to do this and they are contributing to making it happen) and I am learning to follow the Spirit on a deeper level.  I can see this all going wrong if I loose sight of why we are doing it and I get caught up in the systems.  I have to stay close to the Spirit to make this work, or my family will suffer.  It's been quite a growing experience so far.  We'll see if we are up to it!  If not, I'll see disorder and disunity in my family, we'll let the youth group go, and I'll go back to getting my family in order.  So far so good (not perfect, but we're heading in the right direction together as before).

LOL, I planned to write more about the different lessons I have learned and I only got to one of them.  I'm out of time, but there is one more that I really want to get to, so hopefully I'll find the time to blog about it soon.  I miss my blogging friends that I don't see in person! I hope you are all doing well!

Catch-up with pictures

So, having a new baby hasn't left much time for blogging, but I do want to get some pictures up of our latest doings.  Putting the pictures up will make it seem like we've been out having adventures all summer.  In reality, we have mostly just stayed home, but I don't often think to take pictures when we're just doing normal family things.  There are a few though.   Here are some of the latest adventures:

Our little baby "Gem" is getting big so fast.

Photo by my friend, Jodi

My friend, Jodi, took some beautiful pictures of Gem at 3 weeks:

Getting bigger...

So is everyone else:

Ray loves to sing to his baby brother (can you tell what song?)


He also loves to sing to a pretend audience (the kids filmed this and there's not a lot of singing, but it's adorable still):

Bazinks explaining one of his "set-ups":

While I was home recuperating after having a baby, Rock took the kids on some outings:
Hiking with friends:

And camping:

Baby Gem and I got to go to camp Kiesel with Spice for an Activity Days activity.  Gem did really well and we had a good time.

Rock rode in a couple of century rides and we came and watched him finish one around Utah Lake:

My sister-in-law, Michelle, was in town for a month.  I got to have her at my house for a week!  It was so wonderful getting to talk and laugh with her.  I miss her and her little boys very much.  I also miss my brother who was also in and out of town during that time.  We did some fun things while they were here including letting her teach us how to paint.  Rock came home a couple of times to find painting supplies all over the table instead of dinner :-)  We also went to a few other places including several hikes like Cascade Springs:

We all had fun at the Tracy Aviary together too:

The day Michelle had to leave, we went to her mom's house and rode horses and ATVs.  Ray sort of half-giggled half-cried when he was on the horse with me, but he loved the ATV with his dad and grandpa.

Later that week, the kids had a piano recital:

Spice playing "Dreams Come True"

Bud singing and playing "Honeydew" (you can't really hear him singing though).

Bud playing a song he wrote that he titled "Bo, bo, bee, bop"

Spice playing a song she wrote that she titled "Arabian Dance"

Bud has been having fun going to the football games with his dad:

A couple of weeks ago we went to Yellowstone.  Here are a few of the hundreds of pictures we took there :-)

The cabin we stayed in.  It was a 30 min. drive to Yellowstone, but the cabin was perfect.

Waiting for Old Faithful:

Finally, it erupts:

Geyser walk:

Ranger-led tour of Black Basin:

Hike to a lake:

Eating s'mores outside our cabin:

The first time we saw a Bison, we stopped and pointed it out to Ray.  We got in the car and started driving and up ahead was a Bison on the road.  He walked next to our car right by Ray's window.  Ray looked perplexed and then said, "Huh." in an interested way.  He loved seeing the "Bi-tn" and the "Melk" (Bison and Elk).  All the kids loved the wildlife.  We watched a mole did a hole, saw a bald eagle flying overhead, spotted a coyote,  and, of course, saw Bison everywhere:

On the way to and at the falls:

Mud Basin (we called it the stinky hike):

Having a picnic (Ray stepped on some bear poop)

One of my favorite hikes was to the base of Tower Falls.  You can't quite go to the base anymore, but you can go to a river area by it.  The kids threw rocks into the river and played in the sand.  We got ice-cream when we got back to the top which also made it very nice.

We were exited to see a herd of Elk and one of them bugled.

The inside of our cabin as we were getting ready to leave:

Mammoth Hot Springs:

Norris Basin was another of my favorite hikes.  We had so much fun talking and laughing through this hike.  It even rained on us for a little bit which was nice because most people had deserted the trail and it felt pretty secluded and smelled wonderfully (except when you walked by the steaming pools ;-)  )  It felt so good to be together:

That pretty much catches up on things.  I'd like to write about more than what we've been doing, but I think I've ignored my kids enough for one Sunday.  Maybe I'll post again soon (although I don't foresee having much more time than I've had lately.  Babies sure do take a lot of time!  I'm loving it though).