Struggles

This is going to be a pretty raw post. I feel a need to write, but I only have 30 minutes, so please forgive the errors and rawness.

I think the emotion that sets me off into a downward spiral (don't we all have a trigger emotion?) is "overwhelm". Ladybug woke me up at 3 am this morning and I sat in bed thinking about how far I was from where I wanted to be. I turned off my alarm (I had meant to get up early to exercise but since I was up from 3-4, I thought I better let myself sleep in a bit) and felt bad about not exercising that morning. I reminded myself that God does not give me more than I can handle and that I needed to be wise in where to spend my time. It would be nice if so many things didn't seem so important.

I think the mood was set off when I spent several hours on family research work on Sunday. It is hard for me to stop once I get going on it and I neglected several other things I wanted to get to that day (spending time with family, mentor meetings with my kids to plan their weeks, family reading time, proof reading a friend's ebook, writing on my blog and rewriting an article I wanted to submit). Neglecting all of these things, and seeing the house in the messy state it seems to get to on Sundays, started the stress...

Then I laid in bed thinking about how I had neglected to teach my kids Spanish all of these years and wondering how I could add some Spanish time to our day, realizing that I already had goals to add writing time and math game time to our day that were not being realized. I have been breaking down our learning time so it doesn't feel too long to do so much in one chunk during devotional - it sometimes felt so long that it wasn't enjoyable anymore and we would skip half the things. So I added some things to breakfast time (memorization and scripture ah-has), and some things to lunch time (writing games or math games), but we'd only done a math game twice and we had never gotten to the writing game - we all seem so busy and wanting to get to other things that it is hard to add another habit into the schedule.

I have tried putting "Spanish time" in during work hours, but we don't talk to each other much then so it wasn't very effective. I tried putting it in during study time, but most of the kids are involved in a book and don't talk too much then either. I thought playing a family game in Spanish might be good - but where in the world to fit it in?

Then I got looking at the doors that need to be wiped, the windows that need to be cleaned, the drawers that need to be organized...

 

And, remember how I said on this blog, a couple of weeks ago, that my new way of eating wasn't all that hard? Well, I should have remembered that most things aren't hard for me when I first start them - I like doing new things. It is the endurance that gets to me. Shortly after writing that post, I went to visit my parents and something about their house makes me eat somewhat uncontrollably! I don't control my thoughts well there. Once I had that slip up and made that exception, it has been a lot easier to make exceptions a lot more often, so it hasn't gone as well as it did those first couple of weeks.

I also knew I hadn't made enough time to connect with my husband even though that had been one of my goals. I knew this was something that needed to be a priority and I was neglecting it yet again. Also, while my kids were doing well a few weeks ago about getting their work done quickly in the morning - they were slipping and getting distracted and sometimes taking all day to do their jobs again.

So as I lay in bed, I thought, "Yes, Karen, you have made plenty of mistakes this week. You had a prompting to stop doing family history yesterday, after you had been doing it for a while, but you kept going. You are great at starting new habits and very weak at maintaining them. The house isn't ever perfectly clean, the kids are not learning perfect obedience and diligence. You are not the most attentive wife. And you are not teaching your children all of the things you want to teach them.... so now what?"

I remembered, "this is what the atonement is for". I know my struggles are flimsy compared to what others go through. I have a very blessed life. But everyone has weaknesses, struggles and inadequacies that leave us realizing how very much we lack. I don't have the time, energy, motivation, and strength to teach my kids everything I want them to know, keep my body healthy, do family history, make and eat healthy meals, study and learn, write, get outdoors more often, keep an organized email and to-do list, be a devoted wife, maintain a clean and orderly house and schedule, while always staying cheerful and loving through it all.

I am going to look at my "overwhelmed" feelings as a blessing. After all, it is the "meek and lowly in heart" that can have faith, hope and charity. These feelings keep me turning to the Savior. They get me on my knees and make me turn my burdens over to Him. And then I arise and move on - rejuvenated and ready to move forward - despite the laundry piles, the late start on my day, and the knowledge that still I can't do it all. But He can. He died to cover my mistakes, weakenesses and failures. He doesn't ask that I do the impossible - simply that I keep on practicing. Not to practice doing the impossible on my own, but to practice staying focused on Him - His light and love - and let Him guide me moment by moment, step by step. His grace will make it so my kids get what they need from me - even if I don't teach them everything - it will make it so that I can feel joy and light even though I fall so short of the ideal. It is a miracle I experience often. And I know I can keep experiencing it - every time I feel overwhelmed! I feel so grateful for the knowledge of where I can turn for peace.