Learning Who I Am

 I struggled when I first became a mother. It seemed to me that my whole identity had shifted in some way and I didn't quite know how to still be "me" and also be a mother. I remember feeling like I was in a sort of twilight zone. I hadn't realized the level of commitment that motherhood entailed. I wasn't prepared for the sleepless nights and for all I would have to give of myself just to keep a helpless baby alive. I was tired and I felt that it was all somewhat unreal. I had always thought of myself as a pretty "tough" gal and I was amazed, since I was struggling so much, that so much could really be required of all mothers. I couldn't believe the amount of daily, unnoticed, monotonous work; and the loneliness that I often felt as I was struggling to stay awake during the day as I made myself clean, yet again, a messy kitchen. It was not an easy transition for me.

I read an excellent blog post yesterday about some deceptions in motherhood.  It got me thinking about how altered my view is now, 11 years later.  I remember well-meaning people back then telling me that I needed to keep my identity in some way by getting away and making time for myself. I struggled with frustration as I tried to follow this advise and found it really hard to "get away", it made me miss my freedom of doing what I wanted, when I wanted. I would sometimes recent my precious baby because she would not cooperate with my need for "me" time.

How differently I see things now! Motherhood has become a joy that surpasses anything I could have dreamed of. What I didn't realize 11 years ago was that instead of "finding myself" outside of motherhood, I needed to find who I truly was by being a mother. I used to think that "who I was" was a combination of my interests and passions. I was an outdoorsy, alternative-music-loving, thrill-seeking, semi-tom-boy who didn't like country music or "jocks" or anything too girly. That's not an identity - it's a list of likes and dislikes at a particular moment.  Most of those interests have changed over time (I even married a "jock").  However, my identity has not changed over time,  it's just that I have come to understand myself better and have come to find so much joy as I grow to realize who I really am.

This understanding didn't come by getting away and pursuing my interests. It seems illogical or counter-intuitive, but it came by loosing myself in the service of my family! Once I came to an understanding that motherhood was the most important work on earth, I gave it my full heart. Once I gave it my all, I came to find that it is BY FAR the most rewarding and beautiful experience imaginable. I found that my identity wasn't something to be found outside of motherhood - I am a mother. I have always been a mother (as Eve was before she even bore children) and I will always be a mother. I wish so much, when I hear people talk of "finding themselves" or finding their "missions in life" away from their families, that I could somehow convey the feelings that I feel about who they are! I'm not saying that women do not have wonderful gifts that can also bless those outside of their families, but, as my wise friend Mary put it, they find those gifts and passions by serving their family. It is only by being who we really are and embracing it, that we come to understand ourselves, our mission, and our relationships in their true light. It is only by forgetting ourselves that we come to know ourselves. I know this is true! I have experienced it over and over and I continue to experience it every single, glorious day!

I was reading The Princess and the Goblin to the kids last night and I came upon my favorite chapter in the book. It talks about the mother of a miner boy named Curdie. As you read it, you should know that the princess' "huge great-grandmother" represents God in the story.

Mrs. Peterson was such a nice good mother! All mothers are nice and good more or less, but Mrs. Peterson was nice and good all more and no less. She made and kept a little heaven in that poor cottage on the high hillside -- for her husband and son to go home to out of the low and rather dreary earth in which they worked. I doubt if the princess was very much happier even in the arms of her huge great-grandmother than Peter and Curdie were in the arms of Mrs. Peterson. True, her hands were hard and chapped and large, but it was with work for them; and therefore, in the sight of the angels, her hands were so much the more beautiful. And if Curdie worked hard to get her a petticoat, she worked hard every day to get him comforts which he would have missed much more than she would even a new petticoat in the winter. Not that she and Curdie ever thought of how much they worked for each other: that would have spoiled everything.

 I am so blessed to understand who I am.  I am so blessed to have such joy everyday.  Things do sometimes go wrong, and I am sometimes selfish, and sometimes I don't live up to my high calling, but still I know I am doing a great work.  Such great work has great responsibility and astounding blessings. I have moments of joy every day that surpass anything I imagined possible in my selfish years.  And the more I learn and grow in this service, the more moments of joy I find all around me.  Sorry if this post sounds too honky-dory.  I know there is much heartache as well as joy in motherhood, but I also know that no other pursuit could compare with the beauty to be found in the word "mother".

*The pictures in this post are from a day this last month that Spice took the camera out to take a few pictures.