One of the great points that she makes in her book (amongst many others) is that our teenagers are not sure what the word "dating" means. They are told that they can date when they turn 16 and many of them think that this means that they can have a boyfriend or a girlfriend when they turn 16. I've met some little girls who know they can't date until their 16, but think they can have a boyfriend or girlfriend before they are 16. What a confusing message. Gordon B. Hinkley has specifically said,
"When you are young, do not get involved in steady dating. When you reach an age where you think of marriage, then is the time to become so involved. But you boys who are in high school don't need this, and neither do the girls" (from Unsteady pg. 12)Maybe some teenagers don't understand that "steady dating" means having a boyfriend or girlfriend. I think all of the terms are kind of confusing for them and we need to make sure that they understand what the terms mean. I asked Spice a little while ago,
"When are you old enough to date?"
"When I'm 16," she answered.
"When are you old enough to have a boyfriend?" I continued
"When I'm ready to get married."
I guess it makes sense when you are young, but somehow the terms get all mixed up in their minds as they get older. It is very odd in our society to say to kids that they should not pair off until they are actually ready to commit. It makes perfect sense - why would you pair off until you are ready to commit? Nothing good comes from it (emotional intimacy leads to physical intimacy - she explains this very well in the book), but for some reason, our society seems to revolve around encouraging teenage romance. I thought this quote was interesting,
"Adolescent social life is designed around the quest for romance. Consider the purpose of prom, homecoming, and Sadie Hawkins. The media, particularly the music adolescents listen to, extols romance..."Later on she continues,
"High school romance is not appropriate today like it might have been in the '50s. People don't get married right out of high school. However, courtship at age sixteen, when marriage isn't likely for another nine years, is a bad idea. High school romance may once have had a purpose, but that purpose doesn't exist anymore..."I'm not naive enough to think that my little girl isn't starting to notice boys a little. She never talks about them and she is surprised when her friends come over and talk about the boys in their class that are cute, or their new "crush" or how their "crush dumped" them. She thinks it's silly that they are thinking so much about it. I think so too, but these are not bad girls. They, and I'm guessing their mothers, think it's cute or part of life. I think it is a shame for these little girls to be wasting so much energy thinking about boys. It drains their interest from the things that really matter at their age like the wonders in the world around them, learning new skills, finding new interests, developing a relationship with their Heavenly Father who will lead them in the direction they should go to be ready when they find the one they want to marry.
Anyway, that's not really what I wanted to write about, but I had to give some background as to why this particular thing is bothering me a bit. What I have noticed is that often these little girls are spending their time listening to music about romance and watching movies and shows about romance. Why do we encourage this? We know that our thoughts turn to words and our words turn to actions. "As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he" - these girls are being bombarded with messages of love and romance all of the time! No wonder it is the number one thing on their minds. No wonder they stop caring about their studies and spend all their time planning how they are going to get an oblivious boy to notice them. Mothers buy these songs for their girls. It's what everyone is listening to after all, but why would we want to encourage our daughters to start thinking about love long before they are ready to be in love? I can't say I know much about the current music trends, but I did a quick search about the popular teen songs right now. Some of the lyrics where so bad, that I couldn't put them on here, but here are some of the more innocent ones:
"Just cause I have your picture in my locker
Doesn't make you some kind of rocker
Bright blue eyes tall dark and handsome
Makes my heart b-beat like a bass drum
Ooooooo
Yeah that is meant to be been waiting patiently
Now baby can't you see
Ooooooo
Yeah I'm your future wife we'll start a brand new life
Boy you know just how to make me blush make me blush
And it can't be just another crush another crush
I just wanna get next to you next to you
And if you met me then you'd love me too love me too" -Tiffany Giardina
"Oh I remember you driving to my house in the middle of the night
I'm the one who makes you laugh when you know you're about to cry
I know your favorite songs and you tell me about your dreams
I think I know where you belong. I think I know it's with me.
Can't you see that I'm the one who understands you?
Been here all along so why can't you see?
You belong with me" -Taylor Swift
"Little girl you're all I've got.
Don't you leave me standing here once again?
'Cause I'll give you my life
Yes I would.
If you would let me try to love you
So please give me another chance to write you another song and take back those thing's I've done
'Cause I'll give you my heart
If you would let me start all over
Again" -Justin Timberlake
I probably didn't need to copy and paste all those. It's easy enough to turn on the radio and hear that almost all of the songs are about falling in love (as are the TV shows an movies). Sure, love is a wonderful thing, but do our little girls need to be bombarded with it all the time?
I was a boy-crazy teenager. I can tell you from experience that I wasted SO MUCH TIME AND ENERGY thinking about boys and neglecting everything that could have helped me be a better mother and wife - including my education. I can tell you that the song lyrics I listened to and movies I watched had a big influence on me. I wish I had spent more time doing something that mattered.
Anyway, I just had to get that off my chest. I hope people will take a closer look at what they are inspiring their children with, if they haven't already. I hope this didn't come across as self-righteous. I just had to voice a concern about something I see all around me. I probably phrased it all wrong, but even so, I highly recommend you read the book Unsteady. She makes a lot more sense than I do and she opened my eyes to a lot of things.
Amen. As a mother of boys I sure wish the girls would stop worrying, talking, giggling, plotting about boys. It makes my boys uncomfortable right now because they are 10 and know they need to serve missions before they really date. They just want to be "friends" but it's hard to be friends with someone who wants to be a "girlfriend".
ReplyDeleteWe don't listen to popular music or watch popular movies for many of the reasons you mentioned. They don't need the influences or thoughts put into their heads.
In our family, we tell them they can "date" at 16, but really they should just do group things until AFTER their missions. What's the point of forming an attachment they know won't progress because they're leaving for two years?
That is a fabulous book! I need to read it again now that I have a boy that is interested in girls. He just asked me if I am going to let him go to the New Year's Eve youth church dance next year. Why do 14 year old boys need to be touching girls and dancing to inappropriate music?
ReplyDeleteMy brother wouldn't date before his mission. He always said, "Why should I waste my money on someone else's wife?" Brilliant!
Did I ever send you this link? This talk is excellent! In fact I think I will listen to it with my children this week.
http://www.sermonaudio.com/playpopup.asp?SID=890718056
Thanks so much for sharing. I hadn't thought about the music/movie role much before, but it all makes perfect sense. I too spent an inordinate amount of time worrying about boys when I was younger... what a waste! I've been trying to figure out how to help my daughters avoid this, and your post helps a lot... I'll read the book, too. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteThis post really made me reflect on how much wasted time and energy I spent as a child thinking about boys! But I think part that was also just because I saw how happy my parents were and couldn't wait to have that too. I know it wasn't all pop culture. :)
ReplyDeleteAnd I never thought about that influence before though. I am definitely sure that my constant radio listening and tv watching did little to help my boy obsession.
Now that I have 2 girls I really don't want them making the same mistakes I did and will look into this book. Thank you for the post! (and Lara for the link)
Add one more to the list of girls who wasted too much time thinking about and worrying about boys.
ReplyDeleteIt really is so hard to keep them from being exposed to such music when they attend public school. My DH and I do require them to let us look at lyrics and listen to music before it is purchased for Itunes, but that doesn't solve the problem of hearing what friends are playing.
Lara, my DH uses that line with my boys all the time. Love it!!
I really wish I could figure out why society is so set on making our kids grow up so fast but then lets them act like adolescents for the rest of their lives.....being taken care of and entertained. Blech!
I have 4 daughters, we have discussed dating (my oldest is 12). They know they are not to pair off until they are at least out of highschool and the boy they want to date is home from a mission. We have also talked about hand holding, and kissing. Our family rule is that you don't kiss until you are engaged.
ReplyDeleteI also tell them all the time, "I don't want my girls being silly about boys!" I wish more mothers would pay attention to this! I wish that we still had old fashioned rules about boys, girls and courtship, I think that would solve a lot of problems!
Great post!
Thanks for the link, Lara, that was an amazing talk. Every parent should hear it.
ReplyDeleteAimee, I think those are great rules. In the book Unsteady she goes as far as to say that holding hands is a signal of more attachment then just friends and should be avoided until people are ready to show exclusivity (or ready to pair off - when they are mature enough to handle being married). It sounds kind of crazy in our society, but it makes a lot of sense if you step out of our culture for a moment and look at what you're really communicating.
As our oldest started entering the teen years I told my husband "I sure hope these girls are like your sisters and not like their mother was at their age!" :D So far so good.
ReplyDeleteI think we fail to realize how much the zietgeist, or culture around us influences our actions. It is oh so subtle! My husband's family has been very good about the whole dating thing, mostly I think, because they do not care about what is popular to listen to or watch. They aren't caught up in all of that. Every single one of them (6 boys and 4 girls) didn't start dating until they were in college. For the boys that wasn't until after their missions. And even then - they were so careful about who they dated that to this point five of the six boys are married and four of those five (including my husband) married the first girl (and only) girl they dated! The same holds true for the girls - the two that are married have married the first and only man they have dated. They just kind of sit back watch, learn from others, observe closely those around them and choose.
Agreed and agreed! I was one of the boy-crazy girls when I was a pre-teen and teenager. It was ridiculous but I thought it was normal. After all, the tv shows and books I read all had romance sub-plots.
ReplyDeleteEven as an adult, the movies and television shows frustrate me because everything is about single people getting together. I want to watch something about people my own age who are married!
I watch Japanese shows to help with my language learning. The television culture is so different than it is here in America. In Japanese television shows (those that include the romance sub-plots), the characters are all about becoming friends and then boyfriend/girlfriend. It is a sweet moment in their relationship when they hold hands for the first time! The first couple series I watched, I was shocked by the lack of physical intimacy. Most shows do not display any kissing and if they do, it is the very "innocent" type. I say innocent because it is just a peck, no making out, but still kissing before marriage. It's just not what I was used to watching while I was growing up!
I agree so much with this post. I have written a couple of posts on this myself.
ReplyDeletePopular music is banned in general in our home but I have worked in the Young Women's program off and on through the years and have ran into this problem. I have challenged moms and young women to google the lyrics to the popular songs they or their children are listening too. I challenge them to see if those lyrics match the thoughts from "For the Strength of Youth." Most of course do not.
At Stake Girls Camp this summer everyone was encouraged to sing around the camp fire with the stake camp leaders; great enthusiasm was expected as we were singing. Everyone was so excited! I walked out after hearing to the words of the first song and gratefully most of my young women did too. This led to a powerful discussion on music.
The song we left on (the first of the night's sing-a-long songs) included things like thinking about the boy all day long and "sneaking out late so mom doesn't know." Why are we allowing this is all I can ask?
Taylor Swift and Hannah Montana or whatever her name is are not innocent little singers that our youth much less of six year olds should be listening too. And don't even get me started about "High School Musical."
Shutting up now. : )
Thank you for speaking up on this very important subject!!!!!