I've been in a bit of rut lately. I especially felt it yesterday. I was on such a role before Christmas - I was getting the work thing with the kids down, I was getting up early, exercising and fixing my hubby a smoothie before he left, studying great books, etc. Then several things happened - Christmas vacation with family, sick kids, etc, etc. I feel like I've been slowly slipping backwards in my progress and I don't have the gumption or energy to get going again!
As I was busy folding piles of laundry yesterday, after our week at my mom's house, and having just walked by the kids' messy rooms, and then having looked outside to see how much yard work we ought to be getting started on, and having just repeatedly called the kids to help clean the kitchen while my 4-year old was being especially disobedient, I felt a bit frazzled. I was trying to stay at peace, but by the end of the day I was feeling very much like a failure in a lot of ways. I just don't have the time to do it all and I can't keep up my good habits when life keeps interrupting them - I feel like I'm trying to hold on, but whatever I'm holding on to keeps slowly slipping backwards.
Bud had a birthday party to attend yesterday so I decided to drive him to it and do some shopping while he was there. As I dropped him off, I realized that I had left my planner at home with my credit cards in it. I had $13 in my diaper bag. I knew I couldn't get much at Sam's club with that money and I had to put some gas in the car in order to get home. I decided to put $5 worth of gas in the car and spend the remaining $8 on books at D.I. while I waited for Bud.
I found some good books and a case of 24 CDs containing the dramatized Book of Mormon for children (for $3!) (I had considered buying these before, but they were $133 online). My favorite find though, was a book that I had been wanting to read for a long time, but I didn't want to spend the $16 on it at Deseret Book. It is called The Quiet Heart by Patricia T. Holland. I knew it was exactly what I needed.
I just started reading it last night so I haven't read much, but I have already realized what a big part of my problem has been. I have let the important things start to crowd out the critical (again) (am I ever going to get this down?!) I've been reading my scriptures every morning, but in a rushed get-it-over-with manner. I haven't been taking the time to communicate with God. She mentioned that "the price to be paid for this kind of communion is time and your best powers of concentration". I can't say I have been giving the latter, or enough of the former. She mentioned that Christ stands at the door and knocks always, but someone has to hear that knock and let Him enter.
I think one of my personality traits that Satan loves to use against me is my perfectionism and my drive to raise my children well. I take this task very seriously, for obvious reasons, and it drives me crazy that I can't live up to what I know they could have if I were just better!
It's easy to forget that I can not do it alone. I am too weak for the task. I can't survive or thrive or be happy if I don't invite my Savior into my heart. It's so obvious, but so hard to remember with all the distractions in life. Especially because most of the distractions in my life are good and worthwhile endeavors. It's not really fair to call them distractions - because really they are the substance of life that leads me to my Savior if my heart is in the right place. It's just when my heart is not in the right place that they become distractions from getting my heart in the right place ;-) I'm probably not making much sense...
What I'm really trying to say is that I've been in a rut because I was trying to do it on my own (again) and not taking the time to invite the Savior to join me (lift me, really) through my daily endeavors. How foolish of me. I've been running around looking for peace and order instead of peacefully bringing order with me to my day.
I got up early this morning and studied and pondered. Now that I am at peace, I can start my day bringing peace and joy to my home. There are still messy rooms and a yard full of weeds, but I see them with a heart full of love for this life I'm living - and that makes all the difference.
"The Quiet Heart" is one of my favorite books. When my kids were little I read it repeatedly. It was a great blessing to me. Best wishes with the rut!!! It sounds like you are on the right path.
ReplyDeleteYour post came at just the right time. Sometimes I am so distracted by those things that are not "needful" and I need to seek out the needful and peacefully move forward. (with His help)
ReplyDeleteKaren,
ReplyDeleteWhen you said, I can't do this alone, and mentioned prayer, I was probably shaking my head up and down. lol. Have you read the book..
"Odds Are, You're Going To Be Exalted?" By Alonzo L. Gaskill
He was actually in our ward when we lived in Payson. Boy, did we love to listen up when he spoke out in Sunday School! Anyway, something he added in the book from Elder Richard L. Evans---
"Despite all discouragements, and sometimes despair, there is the blessed reassuring certainty that the Lord God who gave us life and made us in His image will, with our willingness, lead us to further light, to fuller life, and happiness. For this cause were all the commandments given--and for this He sent His only begotten Son not to condemn, but to save the world. What else would any father wish for his children? What else would we wish for our own--but happiness and everlasting life with our loved ones? And for this cause are all the counsels and commandments of God given."
Hmm, with our willingness...to call upon Him...as you said....happiness with our loved ones. He is always there waiting for us isn't he? All we have to do is turn our lives over to Him, let Him inspire us as to what is important in our lives, at this time, at this moment. 5 children..I think you have your priorities right. Your children are happy right now. I'm thinking that you are teaching them better than you think you are, and that you are getting more done the right way than you think you are. Make sense? Messy rooms? Life isn't always perfect. Didn't get that breakfast quite the way you wanted to? Life isn't always perfect. It's good for children to see that they don't have to be perfect. That every thing has to be perfect, because, it just isn't..and can't be. Doing our best? That's what the Lord wants of us. I wish I had come to know this better, sooner! I know you've heard all of this before..but it came to my mind..and I guess I just wanted to share. You are such a good mom and wife.
Give those little ones lots of hugs and kisses from us down here.
Love you, GW
It sounds like you're back on the right track. I hope to be feeling that way again tomorrow with a few crazy weeks behind me. I'm excited to be home and do what we do best, pray, work, study and play. It's going to be a good week.
ReplyDeleteI can't wait to hear how you liked the conference and all the fun things you learned.
Now that it's been 6 weeks since you wrote this post, and I'm sure you've been keeping your priorities straight so your attitude has been right, are the rooms also clean?
ReplyDeleteRight now I'm also frustrated by messy rooms. Every time I turn around there is something out (well, more than one something). I'm beginning to think I should just throw away anything that dares to get out of place. But maybe a wiser approach would be to pray and study scriptures more. ?
Yes, the rooms are clean now :-) I didn't realize it at the time, but I was in this rut because I just had too much I was trying to focus on. It is very disheartening when you are trying so hard and things still seem wrong. Right after this post I went to the TJED conference and things got much better. You'll see as you keep reading :-)
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