Sunday, March 19, 2017

Love is Powerful

I felt I should share a personal experience from a few weeks ago. I hope it's helpful to someone since I share it at the risk of being judged or misunderstood.  Here is the excerpt from my journal:

"I asked for a blessing yesterday.  My thoughts were so dark all day. I had heard something about suicide that morning, and I felt so nauseous and I knew I would feel like that for another 6 weeks at least. Satan likes to get you when you're down.   I felt a desperation and fear and desire to escape most of the day. My thoughts were so negative and they kept bombarding me -  "Death would be so nice... I wish I could die... I hate this...." over and over. It was so unlike me. The thoughts hadn't reached my heart - I didn't actually want to die. But I knew that the bombardment of negative thoughts was going to affect me and was affecting me.  But I couldn't stop them on my own. I asked for a blessing. My dad and Bill gave me one that night.  
Immediately after the blessing I felt lighter - like a weight had been taken off my shoulders. I still feel  sick and nauseous, but not overwhelmingly so, and my thoughts shifted. I thought more about enjoying this short phase as best as I could instead of escaping it. I felt hopeful and strengthened - I could see the light at the end of the yuckiness.  The negative thoughts cleared away.

I know priesthood power is real. I am so grateful for this miracle."
This happened 3 weeks ago. Some days have been pretty hard physically since then, but I haven't felt that overwhelming darkness again.  And I'm starting to feel less nauseous the last couple of days - so I hope it just keeps getting better :) I've kind of been on survival  mode - just doing the basics to get by... but I hope I can start enjoying some of the things I love again soon :)

A little after the above experience, I watched this video and it hit me pretty hard when Christ said, "My soul is exceedingly sorrowful, even unto death." He felt so awful, he wanted to die. But He loved so much that He kept going.

This other song has also been a huge blessing to me lately. It comforts me so much to know that "His perfect love could not be overcome."

I posted that video on facebook last week with the following caption:  This is what I said about it:
I can't tell you how many times I have listened to this song in the last week. THIS IS WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT. This is why I can get up every morning knowing that my efforts are worthwhile, even though they fall so short. This is why I can feel confident in my ability to raise children in this crazy world. This is why I can move into uncertainty with faith and peace. Because "His perfect love could not be overcome." It never will be. His love beat all fear, pain, anguish, weakness and evil. It still does. The battle was already won for me. I just want to live my life in a way that shows how much I love Him back.

And, lastly, here are some pictures from our outings (Luckily, I have a family that makes me get out sometimes or I'd just stay in bed all day :) )

Walk to the park, and geocaching on the way home.

Look who wants to learn the violin:
I stole these pictures from my kids because I forgot my camera on our Y mountain hike:

We tried going to Bryce this last weekend. It didn't go as planned. I don't want to type it out, but here is a series of texts to my mom and to a friend that day:

We didn't end up finding a camping spot, so we just stopped at a picnic area and ate dinner and roasted s'mores. The cool part of this story, though, is how awesome everyone was. The kids were so positive, they kept looking at the bright side. It was just nice being together. They even found fun things to do while we waited for the emergency roadside service.

I feeling so grateful for my sweet family today.  The only reason I can start to kind of comprehend God's incredible love for us is because of how much I love these people. Love is incredibly powerful.  


  1. In case you still have any nautiousness, this totally saved me with baby 10 and 11!

  2. You do have an awesome family. In the doctrinal mastery section of Seminary, we just came across this statement: "The earth was created and the gospel was revealed so that families could be formed, sealed, and exalted eternally." Pretty awesome to consider that the earth was created so we could create these kind of family relationships. I am continually amazed at the flexibility and spiritual strength of my children, even as I am struggling so much. Thank you for sharing something so personal. I love you, my friend. It is hard. But it will be worth it :D. (I chuckled when you asked if I was going to have more...but was trying to keep it has hush-hush as I could to respect Quinn. I knew it wouldn't me much longer until I could tell you my own news; and that you would take it as you did.) Hugs!