"I asked for a blessing yesterday. My thoughts were so dark all day. I had heard something about suicide that morning, and I felt so nauseous and I knew I would feel like that for another 6 weeks at least. Satan likes to get you when you're down. I felt a desperation and fear and desire to escape most of the day. My thoughts were so negative and they kept bombarding me - "Death would be so nice... I wish I could die... I hate this...." over and over. It was so unlike me. The thoughts hadn't reached my heart - I didn't actually want to die. But I knew that the bombardment of negative thoughts was going to affect me and was affecting me. But I couldn't stop them on my own. I asked for a blessing. My dad and Bill gave me one that night.
Immediately after the blessing I felt lighter - like a weight had been taken off my shoulders. I still feel sick and nauseous, but not overwhelmingly so, and my thoughts shifted. I thought more about enjoying this short phase as best as I could instead of escaping it. I felt hopeful and strengthened - I could see the light at the end of the yuckiness. The negative thoughts cleared away.This happened 3 weeks ago. Some days have been pretty hard physically since then, but I haven't felt that overwhelming darkness again. And I'm starting to feel less nauseous the last couple of days - so I hope it just keeps getting better :) I've kind of been on survival mode - just doing the basics to get by... but I hope I can start enjoying some of the things I love again soon :)
I know priesthood power is real. I am so grateful for this miracle."
A little after the above experience, I watched this video and it hit me pretty hard when Christ said, "My soul is exceedingly sorrowful, even unto death." He felt so awful, he wanted to die. But He loved so much that He kept going.
This other song has also been a huge blessing to me lately. It comforts me so much to know that "His perfect love could not be overcome."
I posted that video on facebook last week with the following caption: This is what I said about it:
I can't tell you how many times I have listened to this song in the last week. THIS IS WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT. This is why I can get up every morning knowing that my efforts are worthwhile, even though they fall so short. This is why I can feel confident in my ability to raise children in this crazy world. This is why I can move into uncertainty with faith and peace. Because "His perfect love could not be overcome." It never will be. His love beat all fear, pain, anguish, weakness and evil. It still does. The battle was already won for me. I just want to live my life in a way that shows how much I love Him back.
And, lastly, here are some pictures from our outings (Luckily, I have a family that makes me get out sometimes or I'd just stay in bed all day :) )
Walk to the park, and geocaching on the way home.
Look who wants to learn the violin:
We tried going to Bryce this last weekend. It didn't go as planned. I don't want to type it out, but here is a series of texts to my mom and to a friend that day:
We didn't end up finding a camping spot, so we just stopped at a picnic area and ate dinner and roasted s'mores. The cool part of this story, though, is how awesome everyone was. The kids were so positive, they kept looking at the bright side. It was just nice being together. They even found fun things to do while we waited for the emergency roadside service.
I feeling so grateful for my sweet family today. The only reason I can start to kind of comprehend God's incredible love for us is because of how much I love these people. Love is incredibly powerful.