I think I will paste an excerpt from my journal this morning. It was an introspective morning and the journal entry pretty much sums up my week and where I'm at.
"I haven’t written in my journal in a while. I have been sleeping in lately and wake up in a rush to get breakfast and everyone going on their day. I miss it though. I feel like my mind is in a fog lately - a little directionless and uninspired. I’m not sure what Heavenly Father wants me to focus on. Obviously motherhood, but am I not as focused there as I should be? Or is there something in addition to that that Heavenly Father would have me do? I feel as if I ought to have more direction, but I’m not putting forth enough effort to have it so I’m left kind of foggy as I just go through the motions.
There are several things that help me get direction that I have been neglecting. I mentioned my journal writing. That is a big one. I do learn a lot about myself and what Heavenly Father wants of me as I write. Usually I have no idea what I’ll end up saying, but if I start by just being honest with my feelings, I usually get direction as I write. Another thing is reading my scriptures with the intent to find answers. I have been reading my scriptures as more of a “thing I do” and not with a sincere desire to find answers. I do look for inspiring scriptures, but I don’t have specific questions in my mind so the searching is not the same. And I don’t usually have specific questions unless I am trying to improve in some specific way. I need to figure out what Heavenly Father wants me to work on specifically. Perhaps that can be my question for now.
I also miss the temple. I live so close to it right now, but I misplaced my recommend. I should have it again on Tuesday when I get the Stake Presidency interview. It will be so nice to go to the temple again. I have definitely felt its absence in my life. My prayers have also been rushed. It seems like they’ve gotten even less sincere since making the goal to have them be more sincere. Perhaps the pressure of having a sincere prayer makes it hard to be sincere? Or maybe, again, it’s just my being foggy.
Or maybe it’s because deep down I know Heavenly Father is going to tell me to get to bed earlier and wake up earlier in order to have time to connect with him, and I really like staying up late. I enjoy late night conversations and reading late into the night or even looking through Facebook… I guess I like that feeling of not being rushed - having hours where I would either be sleeping or doing something I like. So then I choose something I like. Except I don’t think about how it’s going to impact the next day - I will either sleep in and waste my most productive, inspiring morning hours - or I will wake up early and drag through my day and not enjoy it as much because I am so tired. Both of those consequences are pretty awful. But I don’t think about them at night.
Yeah, I think that is it. That’s why I have been so foggy and uninspired lately. I know what I ought to do and I don’t want to do it. Well, I suppose I better start. I don’t like living in a fog. I miss my closer relationship to my Heavenly Father and the sense of direction, joy and purpose that it gives me. I prefer that to my late nights. It’s worth the sacrifice. I know that with seven kids I won’t always have control over when I get to bed, but I can certainly do my part better."
I think that pretty much sums it up right now. The family is doing well, I have a head cold, but everyone else seems pretty healthy. We are starting to get back on a schedule after our Christmas break. We are getting pretty close to the Packs we will really miss them when we move. Like always, we are trying to figure out how to fit in everything we want to do without over-cluttering our time (which, by the way, is impossible), and trying to balance home rules and expectations while giving kids opportunity to learn from their mistakes in how they use their time. And trying to figure out how make one-on-one time with each child. Obviously, I need lots of inspiration so I better buckle down and work for it :)
Some more pictures from the week:
Making a snowman:
Playing:
Hikes:
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