My friend and I have been discussing (through e-mail) the different roles of husbands and wives in marriage. We disagreed on just a couple of things - in the end, I think, we were both saying the same thing in a different way because the needs of our families are different.
In one of our conversations I said this:
"It’s easy to get angry when one feels one’s expectations are not being met by one’s spouse. Maybe it’s the right thing to lower one’s expectations – they really may be too high. The other thing that helps me is to remember how far away I am from meeting the expectations I have of myself (and God has for me) to be the kind of wife I would like to be. This helps me stay humble."
Then I began to wonder if I was right...
Should we have expectations of our spouse? Wouldn't things be better if we just didn't expect anything and loved them for who they are?
I turned to the scriptures...
I saw that God has some pretty high expectations from us (he commands us to be perfect, after all), but he does not try to coerce us or make us do anything against our will. He lets us fail and learn from our mistakes. He offers his opinion (which we can be sure is always right), but we have to seek for it.
Rock is so great at this. He never criticizes me or gets mad at me when things don't go his way (I can tell that he does, at times, get annoyed when I'm not punctual or I loose the car keys again, but he doesn't make me feel bad about it). If I want to know what I can do to be a better wife - I have to ask him. Sometimes I don't like the answer, but since I asked - I am at least humble enough to consider it and then to do it.
But what prompts me to ask? How does a person decide that they want to change or improve? And how do people go about changing something that they don't like in their spouse?
When we are trying to change something about our spouse - aren't we, in essence, trying to teach them something? Maybe it's about how to talk to us, or about a principle, or how to make us happy, or to want to make us happy.
How does God teach his children?
He inspires us.
I intend to learn more about this, but this is what I've thought about so far.
-God inspires us because we know he loves us no matter what, even when we disappoint him.
-God teaches correct principles. Rock doesn't try to teach me through his own words, but as we read scriptures, other good books, and as we pray together - he is teaching me (and I him) through God's words.
-God inspires through stories. (Just like St. Augustine was inspired to change through hearing a story). Again, we read inspiring stories in the scriptures (and other good books).
-God teaches and inspires through example...
That is so key! How can we inspire our spouse to become better at something? We become better at it ourselves!
While I was at our book group last night, I was surrounded by people who inspire me to go out and do, and to be a better person. I always leave these people feeling so exited to go out into the world and to my family and make a difference. That is what I want to surround myself with - people and books and things that inspire me. I want to be that kind of person for my husband!
Rock is constantly trying to improve his efforts. He makes me want to be as good of a wife as he is a husband.
Of course I fall short time and time again. He just loves me anyway, and eventually I am inspired to try again...
The only problem I've run into is that not everyone is that ambitious. I've worked with people that are easy to motivate because they want to prove themselves all the time. Others just kind of lounge around until they are forced to do something. I kind of am this way when something doesn't fall under my umbrella. For example, I would excel at washing dishes if it was my job but since I'm kind of the back up it is hard for me to find a way to lead by example. Any other ideas?
ReplyDeleteI miss having you at book group here in MD, it was fun to delve into things with you. Enjoyed reading your thoughts.
ReplyDeletePepenser - I had no idea you had a blog. I'm excited to read it.
ReplyDeleteWhat I'm saying in this post is that if you want to inspire someone - you need to be inspiring. I've been trying to inspire my kids to want to learn things by learning about those things myself and sharing my excitement with them. Sometimes I don't see the exiting things about them at first, but so far I've found that there is beauty in everything I've studied and then I want to share it.
So when I say to lead by example - I don't mean do those things that you want the other person to do exactly, but become the person you want someone else to become. I'm thinking more along the lines of character traits.
Like in your dishes example - (first you'd have to make sure you're on the same page as far as what each of you thinks should be the others roles when it comes to "husband duties" and "wife duties") then you work hard at being a father and husband. This would inspire her more than anything you say and it would have the benefit of helping you be more forgiving and kind (as I know you already are, but all of us need to improve in those areas right?)
I really think that this type of an attitude and a WHOLE lot of patience (with ourselves and those around us) will bring us more happiness in our marriage than any controlling, or compulsion or belittling possibly could - even if the compulsion and belittling works faster to help us get what we want at this moment.
You know how I like to be in control - so this has been a hard lesson for me to learn - I'm still learning - but I am so much happier now that "Rock" has taught me what it means to be Christlike in a marriage.
Thanks for the insights. I probably need to be a lot more patient. Like I said though for you guys it is easier since you are both over-achievers anyway. If there is someone in the relationship be it a marriage or a work relationship that is not as self motivated it is a lot harder. I noticed that if I am in a leadership role and the people under me notice that I am really nice and that I let everything slide some of them tend to take advantage and work less hard. The only thing that worked was being a dick and getting after them for everything. Ultimately I think that both approaches have their up sides. I really think it depends on the person you are working with. For example one guy I worked with never did anything unless we gave him a list of stuff he had to do before his shift ended. If we just let him show up and figure it out himself nothing would get done. Soo annoying. Others would show up to work and think of ways to improve our sales floor or figure out how to work the computer system by themselves. It actually taught me a lot about the importance of the hiring process. 8) Anyways, I'm just ranting now so I'll stop. I always wondered if some heroic attempt to motivate people was the right approach but it didn't seem to be.
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't say it's easy for us because we tend to be motivated in different areas at times, but over the years it has become easier as we've learned things.
ReplyDeleteI don't know much about motivating people in a work environment because success in that environment is often measured by the money and productivity. I do recommend the book "Leadership and Self-Deception" for helping with relationships at work and other settings. You're right about the hiring process though - it's good to find people who already know how to be hard workers. "Rock" know a lot more about that stuff than I do.
I don't think motivation is different in the work place than it is anywhere else. There isn't anything I wouldn't do for someone who appreciates what I do for them. It's a very simple key but it works. Whether I am thanking my husband or children for their help or telling a presenter at a conference that I could listen to them all night, the result is the same. I am learning that people want to go out of their way to please me when I show sincere appreciation for them. That's all it takes to inspire cooperation from anyone.
ReplyDeleteSuzuki talks about this in his book Nurtured By Love. His family trained a difficult child to be good natured by being good examples themselves and by loving him. We can't really become our true selves until we are loved and understood and if you can't understand what someone does you can at least try to understand why they do it. The more patience and understanding I have for others the more my life is blessed by relationships that flourish.
One of your questions..how does a person decide that they want to change or improve...I like to think that giving praise for an accomplishment..more praise than putting them down. "Catch" them at doing what you really like them to do, then let them know how much you appreciate it, or tell them what a great job they did, and how excited you are for them for something they did that they may not have really wanted to do. Complimenting..one of the greatest teaching tools.. :) Grandma W.
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